Connie writes her story: I felt my jaw clench and my fingernails dig into my palms as I tried to stop the tears. Opening my eyes wide, I stopped the tears from trickling down my face. Success. I didn't cry. Good, I thought to myself; I don't want anybody to know. I don't want to look weak. And I don't want to make a fool of myself by getting up and leaving in the middle of the sermon. I got through another Sunday. But how long will I be able to keep up this facade? What if someone finds out? What will they think of me? What will they do? Will I be rejected once again? Will I be blamed? How long, Lord, can I hold on?

These words may well have been written by anyone who is trying to keep a secret. Someone afraid to let others in....into a dark place...where they must hide... where their reality is filled with pain...where the past still lives on...where the past is the present and despair and brokenness still permeate life...every day. There are thousands upon thousands of people who live in fear of others knowing their secret. The secret of domestic violence and childhood abuse. These are the brokenhearted and crushed in spirit that Psalm 34 speaks about in verse 18. The Psalmist writes:

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit".

This text that Pastor Rich read this morning is a Psalm of David. He wrote it at the time, according to I Samuel 21, that Saul was trying to kill David. He lived in fear, running from one place to another, his life being threatened every moment of the day. He was being oppressed, afflicted...living in despair at the betrayal of someone whom he loved. Someone who used to love him. In previous days David had played his music on a harp, soothing Saul's soul. And now David was being threatened by Saul...to the point of death. Saul was trying to murder David.

And isn't David much like those marginalized in our society today? Those whose lives are threatened on a daily basis with abuse and violence? "Murder of the Soul" is how child abuse is often described. The emotional and spiritual devastation causes a deep schism in the soul of a child. Trust is shattered as more powerful people, friends or family members commit the crime of abuse against those with little power to protect or defend themselves. The same is true for those caught in spousal abuse. It is devastating and the results are a crushed spirit... What is a crushed spirit? ...It is a spirit that carries feelings of fear:

Fear that they will be found out and blamed for the abuse.

Fear that at any moment the abuse will be triggered for unknown reasons.

Fear that no one will believe them if they tell someone what they are enduring

Fear that if they go to the police, their spouse will kill them...and if they don't go to the police, their spouse will kill them

Fear that if, as a child, they tell of the abuse, the abuser will kill them or someone they love

A crushed spirit is filled with anger...

Anger at the abuser for betraying their trust

Anger at God for not rescueing them from the abuse immediately

Anger at feeling trapped in an abusive relationship

Anger at the violation, the hurt, the rejection, the feelings of helplessness that follow abuse

And a crushed spirit is filled with shame...

Feelings of shame that do not belong to the victim but to the abuser

Feelings of shame that are forced upon the victim to keep them silent

Feelings of shame that somehow they deserved the abuse, surely if they were a good child, a good wife, a better person, they would not have been abused.

In the Spring of '96 I attended a seminar at New Brunswick Seminary sponsored by Parents Anonymous. The speaker told a story of spousal abuse that was going on in the church of another minister. The woman had been able to cover up her bruises for years until she finally gave up and one Sunday the minister saw what was obviously the results of abuse on her neck and arms. When he confronted the woman and asked if her husband had hit her, she responded with a "yes" and before she could say anything else, the minister blurted, "Well, he's just trying to make you a better wife". These words horrify us, especially coming from a minister, but in the church, we do not have a good track record in dealing with abuse.

Our biggest problem is denial. We don't want to believe that abuse goes on in our midst. We can't fathom that a child would be abused who belongs to a Christian home, or a wife or husband would be suffering in silence who attends our church.

J.M.K. Bussert in his book titled:

Battered Women: From a theology of suffering to an ethic of empowerment

writes:

One reason it is difficult to open the door and hear a women's cries is that it simply hurts to acknowledge suffering -- especially meaningless suffering-- so close to home. To step beyond the locked door and fully see and hear the reality of abuse down the street, next door, or within one's own church community is to face the fact that if it could happen to "her" (them), it could happen to "me" (us). It is safer to keep the door locked shut, to perpetuate the silence and pretend not to see".

But the silence must be broken... it is the only way to create a safe place in the church for the survivors of abuse.

You might think, isn't this all an exageration? We've heard so much lately about abuse and violence in relationships. Can the problem be as widespread as they are saying? Can it be true that one in three girls and one in five boys will have been sexually abused by the age of eighteen? Is is possible that at least once in 25-30 percent of all marriages a wife will be battered? All we have to do is read the newspapers or watch the evening news or go to the Internet.

This past Thursday, Pastor Rich and I were talking about this issue and decided to go into the Internet. I should say, he went on line, because I have not had the machinery or training as of yet to "surf the web". We went in under the word "abuse"...and to our surprise there were 175,716 entries where we could obtain information on this subject. Well....we thought...let's narrow it down. The number of entries was a bit overwhelming. So Pastor went in again under the words "survivors of childhood abuse"...to our greater surprise, there were 213,553 entries under this subject.

So we abandoned that effort and decided to go with "domestic violence". We pulled up one report that is 6 pages long out of New Bedford, Mass. And were surprised to read these words:

A six-month examination of the problem by the Standard-Times found that family violence is a generations-old issue, often fueled by substance abuse, that cuts across racial and social lines. In 1994 at least one woman reported abuse in the greater New Bedford area every day. 23 women died last year in Massachusetts because of abuse. Counselors, police and prosecutors say teen-agers who batter often become adults who batter, repeating a violent cycle often rooted in their parents' lives. Children who witness the violence often do poorly in school, repeat the pattern of either victim or abuser as adults and are more prone to have a variety of emotional problems. Janet Fender, Dept. of Social Services domestic violence coordinator for the Southeastern region of Mass. states: [In the past] "Child abuse was seen as one thing and domestic violence as another. There has been historically a big gap there. Children who are living in homes where there is domestic violence are abused at a rate of 1,500 times higher than the national average. The correlation between domestic violence and child abuse is very high".

The article goes on to say: "Abusers can be anyone: a relative, friend or acquaintance; rich or poor; unemployed or professional. They hold down jobs. They are not very violent usually to other people. They have a public image and a very different private image."

And that brings us to the issue of abusers in the church. One way the church can minister to victims is by being willing to deal with abusers. The church's response to this part of the cycle of violence has been disbelief, contributing to the suffering, the broken-heartedness of those being abused. We desire to protect the image of the community or to blame the victim, or we're so anxious to forgive that we don't hold an abuser accountable for their behavior. As a congregation we need to respond to the danger facing women, children and some men by providing a safe place and needed resources for healing. We need to be informed about professionals and agencies that are already in place, helping those who've lived with violence and abuse and who are able to hold the abuser accountable. We need to remember that God desires for us to live and work for justice and mercy for all persons, the abused and the abusers and be a source of healing to everyone.

So what can we do? We're just one congregation in central New Jersey. How can we change the church's response to domestic violence and childhood abuse? This brings us to the question: How is the Lord close to the brokenhearted and how does God rescue those who are crushed in spirit? God's presence and help are manifested through the church. We can be the instruments that the Lord uses to bring comfort and healing. We are God's hand, God's feet, God's voice.

We can begin by making the church a safe place. This means opening our hearts and minds to the reality of abuse in the church and our community and offering a place where people can talk about their experiences and find the help and resources they need. We can begin by supporting the efforts of this church to reach out to those who suffer under the burden of abuse, by creating ways to prevent abuse and networking with those organizations that are already dealing with the problem. We can begin by being present at the "Service of Hope in Healing" on April 26th, by offering help in bringing the women and children from Amandla Crossing to the church, and by praying for the service and for all those who need healing and are caught in despair. We can begin by showing others outside our walls and those within this congregation that we care

and assure them that through our involvement: The Lord is near and rescues those who are crushed in spirit.

I want to conclude this sermon with a prayer from a survivor who is a member of our congregation. Jacqueline Rotteveel gave me permission to use her words:

Oh god, in the palm of whose hand we all rest, do not forget who we are.

Remember the child you intended.

Remember for us the softness, the innocence, the smallness.

Remember who we were the moment you breathed into our souls because we have forgotten.

Because it is easier to forget than to see the crumpled broken body, lying in the dark, the cold, the pools of blood.

It is easier to forget than to wonder where, in the name of your name, were you?

Remember this one whom you called by name and created with your own hands.

Why did you breathe in us your breath of life, if only to close your eyes, while the brutality of this world sought to shatter us sought and succeeded.

You remember god because it is too hard for us to remember god.

Because someone must, and you have asked too much of us already.

Remember the child you intended and hold us in the palm of your hand once again and fill us with the breath of your life once again.

Because the basement is too cold and because it is too hard yet for us to hold our own selves and send the evil into the cold darkness.

This time instead of us turn your back on those who hurt us and turn your face towards us once again.
We will one day remember our own story our own self .

Because you have remembered us we will one day remember the softness, and the innocence, and the smallness, because you have not forgotten to hold us in the palm of your hand.

Past Sermons